Thursday, September 25, 2008

Giving Up Control!

Over the next couple of days I will have the honor of having my parents come visit me. Don't get me wrong, I am really looking forward to their arrival however I am not looking forward to their judgment. After giving my life to Jesus I have became a new person. Someone who my parents know very little about. This trip for me is a chance for my parents to learn who I am and how I now live my life. To meet the amazing people God has bought into my life and just the doors he has opened for me! I was very eager at first to open this part of my life up to them however now the closer it gets the more I don't want to share. This is because of there judgment and telling me how it should be done. The more and more I think about it, the more worried I get and the more thoughts of what they think goes through my head. Also the more and more I know I must give everything over to Jesus and let him have total control over the trip. I must go with what he has planned and just be open. To know it doesn't matter what their view of my life is because Jesus is the only thing that matters and he is right here next to me each step of the way! If any one is reading this please pray for me to give up control to Jesus, to allow him to show my parents who I am, and that he has a plan for me right here in Indiana!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bucket List

Another check mark can find its place on my bucket list. After many years of dreaming about skydiving. I along with some amazing friends made the trip to Greene County Skydiving in Ohio. Watching my friends make the jump I questioned if I would be able to also make the jump. As I came closer to the door I got the overwhelming rush of realization that I was in seconds going to be falling 120 mph down to the ground. However at this point it was to late. I was falling, I tried to move, I tried to scream but nothing. Nothing came out, nothing moved, I was in complete ohhhh of the overwhelm view. At no time during the fall was I afraid. I felt safe and I think this was because I knew Jesus would not allow anything to harm me. Looking back on the whole fall I can see how Jesus wants me to live life. Even when life seems like it is crashing to the ground I need to feel safe in Jesus' arms. That it's going to be ok. That I need to seek his guidance and then he will provide me with the safety net to calm everything down around me! So I guess at every moment I am learning from Jesus! What a great way for Jesus to teach me a lesson. :D

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sky Diving

Making the choice to jump is the hardest part! In so many ways in life I am deciding to make that jump. I just hope I don't lose my heart along the way.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

What is Love?

Over the past year I have been living on an emotional roller coaster and needed to step back and look at the feelings that I have been living. With this I also needed to step back on look at what is love, what it means to be in love, and how to love unconditionally! For in John 13:34-35 it say "A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Does this mean we are to be madly in love with everyone because God is madly in love with each and everyone of us. So this made me start searching for some answers and doing some research on different views on what it means to love.

While I was searching I came across a survey of 4 -8 year olds, who were asked for their views on love. It's amazing some of the answers they gave.

  • "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
  • "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
  • "When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."
  • "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
  • "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
  • "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."
  • "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
  • "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
  • "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing."
  • "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
  • "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
  • "Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."
  • "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more."
  • "There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
  • "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
  • "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well."
How smart is the young child who knew there are two kinds of love; Our Love and God's Love! WOW! Or what about the one who said in order to love better you should start loving a friend who you hate. It's amazing what you can learn from children!

However it still brings up the question of how can you use the same word for; I love Jesus and I love pizza? The means of both love's are completely different from one to another.

Wikipedia defines love as: "Love represents a range of emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feeling involved, make love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states. As an abstract concept love unusually refers to a strong, ineffable feeling towards another person. even this limited conception of love, however encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual. Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationship and, owing to its central psychological importance, and sought after by many religions of both Easter and Western origin. "

Wow now that is a way to look at love. What do you think? Do you want to go back to the 4-8 year olds answer about love? :D

Don't you worry this is just a small bit of what people view love as. As I was searching for answers I also came across a website that made me question love even more by comparing it. So here are some more questions to think about.

If you are looking for love, would you recognize it if you found it?
Can you tell the difference between love and infatuation?
Between love and attraction?
Between love and sexual desire?
Between love and friendship?

I use to think that love was a choice and I found many people online who sees it the same way. One person put it as "Love is actually the choice one makes to put someone's wishes, desires and needs above our own. Many people confuse the word love with the meaning of the word want or desire." Another person says she loves him "because of his physical appearance, statues, mentality and his ability to make me feel good and important." So is this what love is about, feeling good?

What about the difference between unconditional love and tough love? Is this what the young child was saying when he said there are two different types of love? Unconditional love is usually viewed as being very accepting, supporting, and forgiving, where as tough love is disciplined, authoritative, and conforming.

Another website gave steps, tips, and warning about love. At first it was funny to think of love as a step program however many of the things are view helpful.
  1. Say it! ~ Really mean it
  2. Empathize ~ Put your self in someone else's shoes
  3. Love unconditionally ~ Allow them to be themselves and accepting them as they are.
  4. Expect nothing in return!
  5. Realize it can be lost ~ How lucky you are
The first tip that they gave really hit home and it is "It does not make you a bad person to desire someone else's love, even if they do not love you. However, to truly love someone, you must let them be free. It is selfish to blame them for your feelings." This really makes you want to love more in a selfless way. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do and I think that is why we must look to God for guideness when it could to love.

In the New Testament the word Agape is used as love. Agape is chariable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is parental love seen as creating goodness in the world, it is the way God is seen to love humanity, and it is seen as the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for one another. Now this is the kind of love I've been looking for. But how?

I think the first thing a person must do it to love themselves. In order to love another person you must know what it means to love and the is loving yourself for who you are and just loving every part of you. The next step is the most important commandment in the Bible and that is to Love God with all your heart, mind, and strength. From there you have the second commandment and that is to love your neighbor as yourself. With this of course comes the risk of getting hurt. But that is part of letting yourself fully love and trusting someone. I guess you must look from it on the other side, what if you don't love what would life be like, never loving?

Here is a quote to think about...

"Without love, life would not be worth living. With love in our lives, we are empowered beyond belief. Without love in our lives we will shrivel up and diew a slow, painful, and lonely death. Love is the very essence and core of our being. It is the energy that sustains who and what we are. Everyone in life has a deep-rooted desire to love and be loved."

So as I step back and look at the love in my life. I learn that it's ok to be in love to be head of heels for friends and for that matter people I have never met. It's only when I stop them from being themselves and who God created them to be when I need to remember God's unconditional love. For love is not met to be a want or a desire, it is something that God created for everyone to share with each other. To live and to love! For "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) And someday when I fall in love with the man God brings me I will be able to share my deepest lows, highest highs, and truly be myself in every way possible. Tell that day I will go on with life loving each and every person God bring in to my life with all my heart, mind, and soul!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Question Of The Day!

Here is a question I am pondering...

What is LOVE?


Over the past 4 months I have been training for my first half-marathon. Many people have asked WHY? Why put yourself though running 13.2 miles or you can look at it running for 3 hours. That just doesn't seem fun at all. Well I do it for the excitement of pushing myself. Because I know I will only be able to complete this task with God next to my side. So instead of looking at it running for 3 hours, I look at is as spending 3 hours in deep conversation with Jesus Christ. It's more then the commitment of running each day it's the commitment that I am here to stay and that I want God by myself for ever. Push me to do things I only dreamed about. So that is why I push myself each and every day to go out and do my best. Today I completed my first 6 miles run and I couldn't of felt more alive. I never once gave up no matter how much I wanted to. I looked to God and started going over my bible verses. Along the way we also ran by a golf course and God had a golf ball waiting for me. I found this to take my mind off of running. Gave my hands something to do because of my attention span as well it gave me a great way to memorize verse while running. I will just write the letters on the ball and then I can take it with me. Overall I found a great way to keep going and being able to put my mind back on Jesus. It's truly is amazing how Jesus works!

Only 39 more days tell race day! :D

Monday, September 8, 2008

Living My Dash

1984 - 20??

In life there is your day of birth and then also your death. The (-) dash in between those dates is up to you. How you choose to live is truly in your hands. It's your choice to make the jump and it's your choice to climb down. Which ever way you go is in your hands. It's only God's hand that shows you the way however it's completely up to you to follow. Over my lifetime I have taken my life in my own hands. Made the decisions based on what was best for me or what was easiest. However over the last two months I have given control over to Jesus. Letting him lead me to straight paths. This journey however has has some growing pains, some heartaches, and some detours. But it's with these things that I live my dash. I might of only learned what I don't want to do with my dash but I have learned to completely look to Jesus for my ways. To seek him and to find him with all of my heart. Over the next week I will be working on letting Jesus pill off the hard layer of my heart that has stopped me from expressing emotions, and most of all crying. It's not the past that defines a person it is what they do with the past that defines them. So may I live my dash as Jesus has planned! Enjoying all the ups and learning from the downs.

Friday, September 5, 2008


I say Goodbye to this life. For this is not how I plan to live and so I give it up. Take the leap and hope Jesus catches me on the way down. For I wanted more to offer then I could ever of so now I hand it all over and pray that I won't crash to the ground. I pray that Jesus will find me and give me strength. To open my eyes like that of a new born baby. To soar on wings of eagles. To run and not grow weary and to walk and not be faint. So may this be my pray as I say goodbye and farewell to the demons in my head. With all my heart and in Jesus' name AMEN!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

To Many Questions

Over the past couple of weeks life has been a huge learning lesson of what I don't want my life to be. Sometimes along the road of life there will be many ups and downs and well right now I am at a low stop in life. On the radio today there was a little ad that say, "I might be a mess right now but just wait and see what God is doing." That totally hits the spot with me. God is teaching me a lot about myself and how I need to trust in him. It's just learning to accept and to love that. To put a side my personal feelings and love for others to focus on just my relationship with Jesus. To keep a schedule and not to become consumed with life and one thing. To sit back and enjoy life. To wake up every morning with the eyes of a new born baby. To not hold back life because life won't sit back and wait around for you. You must live it as it happens, as God presents a new door you must open it with eager eyes. I know this is the way I should feel right now however I don't. I try to plan and make myself do stuff but I don't I just sit here with nothing. Trying to find a way out. Trying to make since of my life and what God has planned. Trying to find direction in my life. Finding something to hold on to.

The other day I met up with a friend of mine because she was going through some hard times. During that time we talked about just ever part of life. We talked about education, love, lust, friends, family, work, God, and just about everything else you can think of. At first I thought I was there because God wanted me to help a friend sort through life, however soon enough I learned that God wanted me there to take a step back and look at my own life. To take a view at every element of my life and see where I was. Was I where I thought God wanted me? Am I going in the wrong direction? Am I putting my heart in the hands of others? Where am I getting my happiness? From that I learned so much more about my self. However then I began to cry because I wanted so much for Jesus to have control, to have him be my life and with the way I was living I was handing that over to others. I was falling in love, and was seeking directional advice from my peers, and most of all I was letting the devil take away my happiness. However I must seek strength from Jesus to get me through this time. To grow in faith during this period of life so he can reshape and mold me to be who he has planned me to be. So I ask all of you to pray for me to reach to Jesus and that I will be able to hear his voice loud and clear. And that I will be able to put my feet back on solid ground!

God's Peace!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Here is a quote to ponder...

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

~ Saint Francis de Sales

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Seeking Guidance

Over a life time a person can receive an overwhelming amount of advice and direction. However are they truly seeking it from the right person. We should not seek advice from peers because they usually make us turn away from the Lord. In Jeremiah 17:5, 7, 9 it says – This is what the Lord says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? - This really does make you think where you get your direction from.

Right now I am seeking direction in a couple of areas and Jesus is showing me what it means to completely trust in him and how he is providing for all my needs. I need not to worry about
where my next meal will come or if I will have enough money to fill up my car with gas, or which job will make enough money. For no matter what Jesus will provide me with enough to get by and to make ends meet. Over the past three months he has provided with a family that has opened their home to me. They have provided me with food and shelter and of course a support system that is one of the best around. Jesus has also provided me a friend that has questioned my relationship with Jesus. Who has pushed my beliefs and has made me realize the importance of seeking Jesus for guidance. These are just some things that Jesus has guided me to. However he is continually guiding me and presenting doors in front of me. Which ones I open that is something that I am seeking his guidance. Which ones I wait for that is something he is also offering guidance for. However I am learning that I must wait for him and not seek the advice of peers because that is turning my trust away from the Lord and that is the last thing I want.

So for now may I seek Jesus and follow him all the days of my life!