Digging Deep

The struggle is real. Digging deep for the strength to hold on. Looking for answers... praying for directions and holding on for dear life. The day-to-day can seem overwhelming and the will to hold on seems to be fading fast. It's at moments like these I'm reminded of my roots. The roots which keeps me from falling. The same roots which give me hope of a brighter tomorrow. 

I know I struggle and that's ok. I often question the purpose of where I am and what God has planned and that's ok. I wonder what tomorrow brings and that's ok. I over think things and that's ok. I hide away from my feelings and that's ok... It's ok because that is where I am... There has to be a starting point. God has already brought me a long way and he continues to work on me. He has brought me where I am and he is molding and shaping me into the women he desires. It's not easy and that's why many days I want to run but I hold on and trust. I trust this will get more comfortable. I trust that he has a plan in the mist of this all and that the brokenness will turn into something God honoring. Something that looks more like Christ! 

So when things are going well I dig, so that when things are out of control I have the foundation of Christ. This foundation allows me not to wavier to far from him. It's in this truth I rest. 

Soaring

Tonight I let down my walls and I spread my wings. Trusting the good Lord is in control! It's in him I put my hope...

Do you not know? 

Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary 

and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary,

 and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord 

will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles;

They will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:28-31

Against Norms

Life is too short to live among the norms. Part of life is learning to go away from what the world tells you and more to where the Lord is leading. This path can lead you to some remarkable rewards but it can also lead you through some of the most challenging days. 

As I grow older I see people questioning my norm and the most common is why are you not married. We each have this ideal in our head that we need someone to be complete and don't get me wrong, some days I have those feelings as well. I pray for someone, even if it's just a shimmer of hope. A short relationship which at least tells me I'm lovable or a little fling that reminds me what it's like to have those butterflies again. It's those longing which can easily cause us to question our faith... to wonder what God's plan is and even throw in the towels.

I'm however grateful that it is in times like those that I'm reminded of my past and all the times I did what the world told me... how the excitement and joy of those decisions quickly turned to pain, sorrow and loneliness... these feelings continue to effect long after the excitement is over. It is in these settle reminders from God that his plan is so much better then I could even imagine and so I cling to that. I place the unknown of tomorrow in his hands and I know without a matter of a doubt that it will be greater then I could ever imagine! 

So yes I dream of a day I can walk hand-in-hand with the one the Lord sent but until that day I will walk with the Lord. Allowing the Lord to shape and mold me into the women he desires me to be. Part of that shaping is learning who God created me to be... and I think the image below is a prefect example of that! I'm not the most showing, put together person... but give me a hammock and the great outdoors and you will see a side of me you never knew was possible. 

Who Am I?

Tonight I ask this question... Who Am I? It's a question I often struggle with and one I continually pray over day-to-day. It's not something I think you can learn about over night or something that stays the same. As I learn more about my relationship with my creator the more I learn about the details he created in my and the importance of the things I often take for granted.

One of the things I have enjoyed throughout my life is cooking. Since being on my own I have enjoyed learning to cook new and interesting things. I have loved exploring food from around the world and making new food by combining the things around my kitchen.

This past weekend I decided it was going to be a foodie weekend. I wanted to make different meals throughout the weekend so I planed to cook single servings. It worked for the most part.... I think that's the hardest thing about cooking and a single person... How in the world do you cook for one! :-)

Well after a shopping trip to stock up on some items I got to work with a piece of top sirloin. I don't usually cook steak in the winter but saw a topic on searing steak in a pan so decided to give it a try... and lets just say it won me over. I seasoned it with some garlic, rosemary, green onion, salt and pepper and then cooked it with some butter and olive oil and hummmmmmm. It was so good. After it was done cooking I cooked the mushrooms in the leftover seasoning. The side of brussel sprouts was a nice addition.

For breakfast saturday I made some of my famous crepes with banana and strawberries.... Can't forget the coffee as well. It was a great way to start the day.

Lunch was a little more on the run than I normally like because I was meeting up with a good friend for a movie. Ended up having rice with fried egg, bacon and avocado. Even through it was quick it was a nice and filling lunch.

The afternoon/evening was spent at a local winery so we of course had to try some of the local cheeses as well. How can you have wine and not have cheese.

Sunday is probably one of my favorite days because I get to explore a new restaurant with some dear friends of mine. We started this tradition not that long ago but it's something I enjoy. This week we went a little fancy. High class dining is better at lunch because it actually makes it somewhat reasonable. The menu had an prefect sides menu because it was sides and bacon. Never can you forget about the bacon. The fact they have bacon and BETTER BACON makes it oh so good. Of course we couldn't pass up a try of the BETTER BACON which was a thicker cut of bacon with maple on top.

With Monday being a holiday I took to cooking some grape leaves! Of course on a cold day why not do this by fire place. It makes the whole process much more enjoyable. Grape leaves can take quite some time to make, as well as, cook so it's always nice to make them on a lazy day where you can relax and take in the simplicity of life. I took some of the leftovers in today to my co-workers to try and for me not eat them for days. A perfect combination if I say so myself.

It's weekends like this I enjoy. It's relaxing to stop and embrace something simple that I enjoy. It always nice to forget about the craziness of life. It's a little moment/action which reminds me of me. Cooking allows me to explore and to be adventurist. It's also safe because what's the worst that happens you start over? Cooking is an outlet for me and something I use to connect to others. It's something I try to bring into my week to have an outlet to express myself and to allow others to be a part of. 

So... who am I? I'm a cook!

Vulnerability

I've come to realize vulnerability is more than sharing who we are it's about embracing who we are. It's not about the masks we wear or the person we want to be. It is truly about us and who we are when no one is looking and that comes with both the successes and the failures. For me it's often hard to shallow, I've lived so much of my life hidden serving others and forgetting about me. I'm the friend that is there for people when they are in need but I'm also the person who faces most of life alone. I believe the lies that I would be a burden, that I would be too much trouble and to keep to myself is the best for all involved. 

One of the gifts I have been given is empathy. It is one of those gifts you're glad you have, as well as, you wished you didn't have. It's a gift that causes me to greave with those that greave, to cry with those who cry and to ache with pain when those around me are ill. It's an uncontrollable response I wish I could control but I can't. So since I can't control that, I have learned to control my own response to these emotions. I have learned to hide from these emotions... to bury them as far away as possible. To run from the truth and shame myself from even thinking I desired any better. I have beat myself to the ground and deemed myself as unworthy of being known. It's this very thought I battle and I begin the fight against satin and the lies he's wrapped my heart with. I know the road ahead will not be easy and there will be days I want to run away and hide but I go into battle with the one who has already won the war. So with nothing to lose and all to gain I charge to the cross to find life from the one who created my inmost being. It is at the cross I am made new. 

Identity

Ten years ago I begun to question who I was. It was a period which turned into one of the biggest turning points of my life to date. I still look back on that time and think what would of happen if... however I quickly realize that without that leap of faith I would of missed out on so much life. Life that has changed me at the core and allowed me to be me. 

Over the past ten years I have explored the world and have fallen in love with some pretty amazing people who have taught me how to live, love and embrace the trials of life with all of the joys. Through this time I learned what it feels like to be broken and completely lost, as well as, what it feels like to run through the streets full of joy! I also have learned what it means to give your life to Christ and to walk through life with faith like a child. I still struggle don't get me wrong... and that is a little bit of why I've decided to start blogging again. Our stories are not meant to hide away but to live and be shared. 

A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine reminded me the importance of be vulnerable. It's not an easy topic but one which I am learning needs to be more apart of my life. So over the upcoming weeks and months I plan on sharing my hopes and dreams with you, along with the trials which come along the way. Yes, there may be days I will want to run and hide but I pray that the Lord uses this leap of faith to bring a greater joy than I can imagine. Plus I pray it encourages you to take that step of faith and to share in this journey with me. May we together trust in the Lord to protect our hearts and to come to a deeper understanding of who we are. 

Middle Ground...

Living life in the middle ground can make you feel so torn... reaching for more but being pulled back by fear. Learning to be real but also being pulled back by insecurities. I know life isn't support to be easy but learning to trust fully... to let go of everything but Christ is the hardest. Trusting... Leaning... And Believe that all this is all possible in and through the one who gives life.  So Lord guide my heart.. my life... and my path. Be the protector of my heart and let me truly pour my heart out to those you desire. 

Desert Song...

Life is a consist battle, fighting to keep going, to see the light and to keep my head above water. I've always been one to embrace the valleys with the mountains but these last days have seemed too overwhelming to see God working. I'm not sure if you have ever felt like this but if you have I want to let you know that you're not alone. I'm not one which embraces emotions but the last couple of weeks I have been breaking out in tears. With all the strength inside of me I have tired to hide the tears. Cover up the pain in my heart and the fear I live with. I mask it with a smile covering up the truth. I know I can only hide it for so long but it hasn't be long enough. Each time a little comes out I want to hide even more. Weakness has been something I run from something I leap off of cliffs for. This overwhelming feeling started back up again a couple weeks ago at Church when the worship band started to play Desert Song by Hillsong. It's one of those songs which broke open my heart. I'm not one to easily cry but I couldn't help it. The words moved my heart. I'm a huge fan of Jonah and I think these two go together because of the prayer in the desert. If you think to the times in your life where you feel lost... where you are searching for something... where you feel empty and hopeless.. or when you want to run for what God is calling you too then this song could move you as well. Spend some time reading over the words below...

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

[Verse 2:]And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or painThere is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me, Lord, through the flame

[Chorus:]And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 3:]And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

[Chorus:]And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

[Bridge 4x:]All of my lifeIn every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

[Chorus 2x:]And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

\[Verse 4:]This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow

No matter what's happening in your life I challenge you to bring praise to God for in the desert because he is there with you. No matter how empty you are you have the strength to keep going. Even if it's only for one step because I know the Lord will continue to provide the strength each and every step of the way. In my years of life I have learned that no matter how deep a valley seems the joy at the top will be well worth the journey. So hold on and fight your way back. 

Double Rainbow

One of my favorite thing in life is seeing a rainbow after a strong storm. A couple years ago I discovered the power of a double rainbow. It came during one of the most trying times of my life. Seeing two full rainbows right there next to each other reminded me of God's faithfulness. It is the storms of life that we see God's glory beaming it's light against the after mist of the storm to show one of the most amazing masterpieces, A Rainbow. It's in those times we need reminded of God's love and faithfulness even through the pain and sorrow of life, God never leaves us. I haven't seen a rainbow in a while but I have been reminded of God's faithfulness this last week. He has shown me the rainbow in my own life. Of course, it is not the same as the bright colorful one found in the sky for all to see, but never the less it has brighten my life and shown me the true colors of God's work in and through the rain drops of my life. So when the raindrops begin to fall I will lift my hands to the Lord and allow His rays of light to shine bright for all to see.

Victim or Victor!

Are you a victim or a victor? Choices in life are often overwhelming and often have you praying out to God for help. It is at these moments that you have a choice. Do you become bitter and allow the event in your life to break who you are? or Do you become better and allow it to build who we are? Today when I needed the reminder God provided me with this text. It says, "Every test in our life makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to break us or make us. The choice is ours whether we become victim or victor." God showed me that I have a choice.Yes, life happens and things work against us, however we have choices. We can allow the things of earth to eat away at our souls making us more hopeless and a victim or we can overcoming life and be a victor.

Today I have decided that I will no longer live as a victim. I will raise above the pain and sorrow of this life and stand firm as a victor in Christ because it is only in him I fill solid ground.

Being Known...

Being known is often the most frightening thing is life. Well at least it is for me. I try my hardest to not to be known. To hide who I am because of the fear of being known may cause sadness and pain. My way of life has also been to hide and/or to run every time life becomes overwhelming or uncomfortable. The best way I have controlled or really had a lack of control has been to pack up and move. Six months ago was the first time I moved without running from something or someone. It wasn't an attempt to get away or to start fresh. It was just simply a calling I felt to follow Christ and serve him wherever he would led. This move however has been the hardest. I have spent most nights crying myself to sleep wondering what my purpose is here. Why Lord, Why have you sent me here? I question and ask God to reveal his plan, to show me his path, and to be the light in my life. But more days then most I am left still questioning his plan. I have experience enough sadness in my life to know that brighter days will come. That the clouds will clear from the sky and the light will shine ever so bright. But the cloudy day have made me gloomy. Dreaming of brighter days. Hanging on to the hope because I know even on cloudy days the sun still shines ever so bright behind the clouds. So, days when the world seem to be against me and my first response is to pack and run away I dig in the depth of my soul and grab that hope only you can give. And I pray that some day I will feel safe to be known. Until then I hang on to you.

Room Remodel

So I found a new website with some amazing ideas. I have already put some into action and began a room remodel. Yep that's right! Here is the first of many to come. First I will begin with the before picture of the room.

What You’ll Need:
1. contact paper, (this is for lining drawers, you can find it at hardware or drug stores)
2. ruler
3. scissors or exacto

Instructions:
1. measure your window panes.
2. mark your dimensions on the contact paper and cut out your rectangles. i recommend using a ruler and an exacto blade, but if you draw a clean line and cut neatly with scissors that works as well.
3. carefully peel the paper back from the top of the film and place on the window pane. slowly pull the paper down and smooth down the contact paper with a piece of paper.

Here is the close up of the windows I worked on.

Below is the contact paper I used. I found it at Target.

Now for the final window look.

You can find the orginal project at

 http://www.designspongeonline.com/2009/03/diy-project-window-films.html 

I am looking forward to the final look with the room put back together. I know it will look great and will be a great place to hang out this summer.

Another project is this 3D Snowflake/Flower.



Keep on Keeping on

So my attempt at losing weight has come up short to say the least. The first week I ended up gaining two pounds. I would have to say most of it has been because of my attitude and my lost of motivation. I thought adding to the value of money for China would increase my drive but it has not. So this week I am starting on a positive note. I am going to take the week by storm. With my half-marathon less then a month away I must force myself to get out and run. So far this week I have done well with; Sunday: 3 miles, Monday: 4 miles, Tuesday: 4 miles. The week has only began so I hope to do more the rest of the week. Hopefully this will help jump start my motivation!!

All I can do is just keep on keeping on!

The race is on...

So today start the first day of the race to get healthy and to win some money for China. In my outlook every penny matters. Therefore I made a little bet with my mother. The bet you may ask... well it is who can lose the largest percentage of weight by May 1st. If I win I get $500 to spend on my trip to China. If I lose I can't go to Haiti this year. So in order to earn money for China and also be able to go to Haiti I must fight now and get rid of this unwanted weight. I take on the challenge with hopeful outlooks but I know it will be quite hard. I mean how can someone restrict the temptation of cheese cake as well as 12 boxes of girl scout cookies in your house?? Yes I know very tempting. In order to complete this task I will need your help and encouragement along the way. I will post once a week about the progress and my weekly goals.

Week Goals
 - Run a total of 12 miles
 - Take daily Vitamins
 - Drink 8 glasses of water a day

Snow Days and French Crepes

This last week we were able to have two days off because of a snow/ice storm. It was nice to hang out and get some work around the house done. When I have nothing to do in the mornings I love to cook breakfast. This week I tried something new. Homemade crepes! They were really good. Try them yourself....

1 1/2 cup flour
1 egg
2 cups milk
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 Tablespoon Vegetable Oil

Mix everything in a bowl. Then using a med/low heat skillet pour 1/4 cup batter into the pan. Making it paper thin.Once it is done fill it with what ever you would like. I mixed berries and cream cheese together to fill mine.

Happy Cooking...

He Reigns...

Here comes the sun...

Many days have past but the hurt and pain in my heart still holds on tight. 'Here Comes The Sun' by the Beatles was the first song we listen to leaving the accident. This song will always remind me of you.

So, here's to an amazing women who lived her life enjoying every second. I love you Paige.

Fire Starters

Growing up we had a wood burning fire place. I just loved starting the fire and warming up next to it. There is just something about getting lost in the fire. Now as I get older I still remember those days. This last August I moved into a house with a couple of friends. One of the plus's about the house is that we have a fireplace. In the last month we have began using it and it has been amazing. Starting the fire however has been a pain. So tonight I made fire starters. They are really easy to make and are made of used egg cartons, lent, and candle wax. The first step is the place the lent into the egg carton. They cuts wax into small pieces and place in an old tin can on the stove. Melt wax. When wax is melted pour wax over lent. Fill till full. Let cool. Then you use one to two parts to start the fire. You don't even need paper. Works amazing and would recommend to anyone. Enjoy and happy warmth to each of you.

More Christmas Photo's

Christmas Time...

Today Laura and I went Christmas Tree Shopping. This is my first ever real Christmas Tree. The guy we bought it from told me I must be a City Girl. However I told him I am far from that. I mean I did grow up in the middle of Nebraska. I'm pretty sure that can't be considered the city. But any ways after getting the tree we went to Hobby Lobby to get some Christmas pretties. Then of course we had to get a Christmas Shake. Having are luck every single kind we wanted was out. We ended up getting the Mint Oreo and it was pretty good not going to lie. Laura thought it was funny we went through the drive-thru with a tree on top of our car so she wanted a picture. We also decorated the tree after getting home. It looks pretty amazing if I do have to say so myself. More photos to come.