Digging Deep

The struggle is real. Digging deep for the strength to hold on. Looking for answers... praying for directions and holding on for dear life. The day-to-day can seem overwhelming and the will to hold on seems to be fading fast. It's at moments like these I'm reminded of my roots. The roots which keeps me from falling. The same roots which give me hope of a brighter tomorrow. 

I know I struggle and that's ok. I often question the purpose of where I am and what God has planned and that's ok. I wonder what tomorrow brings and that's ok. I over think things and that's ok. I hide away from my feelings and that's ok... It's ok because that is where I am... There has to be a starting point. God has already brought me a long way and he continues to work on me. He has brought me where I am and he is molding and shaping me into the women he desires. It's not easy and that's why many days I want to run but I hold on and trust. I trust this will get more comfortable. I trust that he has a plan in the mist of this all and that the brokenness will turn into something God honoring. Something that looks more like Christ! 

So when things are going well I dig, so that when things are out of control I have the foundation of Christ. This foundation allows me not to wavier to far from him. It's in this truth I rest. 

Soaring

Tonight I let down my walls and I spread my wings. Trusting the good Lord is in control! It's in him I put my hope...

Do you not know? 

Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary 

and increases the power of the weak. 

Even youths grow tired and weary,

 and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord 

will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles;

They will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint. 

Isaiah 40:28-31

Against Norms

Life is too short to live among the norms. Part of life is learning to go away from what the world tells you and more to where the Lord is leading. This path can lead you to some remarkable rewards but it can also lead you through some of the most challenging days. 

As I grow older I see people questioning my norm and the most common is why are you not married. We each have this ideal in our head that we need someone to be complete and don't get me wrong, some days I have those feelings as well. I pray for someone, even if it's just a shimmer of hope. A short relationship which at least tells me I'm lovable or a little fling that reminds me what it's like to have those butterflies again. It's those longing which can easily cause us to question our faith... to wonder what God's plan is and even throw in the towels.

I'm however grateful that it is in times like those that I'm reminded of my past and all the times I did what the world told me... how the excitement and joy of those decisions quickly turned to pain, sorrow and loneliness... these feelings continue to effect long after the excitement is over. It is in these settle reminders from God that his plan is so much better then I could even imagine and so I cling to that. I place the unknown of tomorrow in his hands and I know without a matter of a doubt that it will be greater then I could ever imagine! 

So yes I dream of a day I can walk hand-in-hand with the one the Lord sent but until that day I will walk with the Lord. Allowing the Lord to shape and mold me into the women he desires me to be. Part of that shaping is learning who God created me to be... and I think the image below is a prefect example of that! I'm not the most showing, put together person... but give me a hammock and the great outdoors and you will see a side of me you never knew was possible. 

Who Am I?

Tonight I ask this question... Who Am I? It's a question I often struggle with and one I continually pray over day-to-day. It's not something I think you can learn about over night or something that stays the same. As I learn more about my relationship with my creator the more I learn about the details he created in my and the importance of the things I often take for granted.

One of the things I have enjoyed throughout my life is cooking. Since being on my own I have enjoyed learning to cook new and interesting things. I have loved exploring food from around the world and making new food by combining the things around my kitchen.

This past weekend I decided it was going to be a foodie weekend. I wanted to make different meals throughout the weekend so I planed to cook single servings. It worked for the most part.... I think that's the hardest thing about cooking and a single person... How in the world do you cook for one! :-)

Well after a shopping trip to stock up on some items I got to work with a piece of top sirloin. I don't usually cook steak in the winter but saw a topic on searing steak in a pan so decided to give it a try... and lets just say it won me over. I seasoned it with some garlic, rosemary, green onion, salt and pepper and then cooked it with some butter and olive oil and hummmmmmm. It was so good. After it was done cooking I cooked the mushrooms in the leftover seasoning. The side of brussel sprouts was a nice addition.

For breakfast saturday I made some of my famous crepes with banana and strawberries.... Can't forget the coffee as well. It was a great way to start the day.

Lunch was a little more on the run than I normally like because I was meeting up with a good friend for a movie. Ended up having rice with fried egg, bacon and avocado. Even through it was quick it was a nice and filling lunch.

The afternoon/evening was spent at a local winery so we of course had to try some of the local cheeses as well. How can you have wine and not have cheese.

Sunday is probably one of my favorite days because I get to explore a new restaurant with some dear friends of mine. We started this tradition not that long ago but it's something I enjoy. This week we went a little fancy. High class dining is better at lunch because it actually makes it somewhat reasonable. The menu had an prefect sides menu because it was sides and bacon. Never can you forget about the bacon. The fact they have bacon and BETTER BACON makes it oh so good. Of course we couldn't pass up a try of the BETTER BACON which was a thicker cut of bacon with maple on top.

With Monday being a holiday I took to cooking some grape leaves! Of course on a cold day why not do this by fire place. It makes the whole process much more enjoyable. Grape leaves can take quite some time to make, as well as, cook so it's always nice to make them on a lazy day where you can relax and take in the simplicity of life. I took some of the leftovers in today to my co-workers to try and for me not eat them for days. A perfect combination if I say so myself.

It's weekends like this I enjoy. It's relaxing to stop and embrace something simple that I enjoy. It always nice to forget about the craziness of life. It's a little moment/action which reminds me of me. Cooking allows me to explore and to be adventurist. It's also safe because what's the worst that happens you start over? Cooking is an outlet for me and something I use to connect to others. It's something I try to bring into my week to have an outlet to express myself and to allow others to be a part of. 

So... who am I? I'm a cook!

Vulnerability

I've come to realize vulnerability is more than sharing who we are it's about embracing who we are. It's not about the masks we wear or the person we want to be. It is truly about us and who we are when no one is looking and that comes with both the successes and the failures. For me it's often hard to shallow, I've lived so much of my life hidden serving others and forgetting about me. I'm the friend that is there for people when they are in need but I'm also the person who faces most of life alone. I believe the lies that I would be a burden, that I would be too much trouble and to keep to myself is the best for all involved. 

One of the gifts I have been given is empathy. It is one of those gifts you're glad you have, as well as, you wished you didn't have. It's a gift that causes me to greave with those that greave, to cry with those who cry and to ache with pain when those around me are ill. It's an uncontrollable response I wish I could control but I can't. So since I can't control that, I have learned to control my own response to these emotions. I have learned to hide from these emotions... to bury them as far away as possible. To run from the truth and shame myself from even thinking I desired any better. I have beat myself to the ground and deemed myself as unworthy of being known. It's this very thought I battle and I begin the fight against satin and the lies he's wrapped my heart with. I know the road ahead will not be easy and there will be days I want to run away and hide but I go into battle with the one who has already won the war. So with nothing to lose and all to gain I charge to the cross to find life from the one who created my inmost being. It is at the cross I am made new. 

Identity

Ten years ago I begun to question who I was. It was a period which turned into one of the biggest turning points of my life to date. I still look back on that time and think what would of happen if... however I quickly realize that without that leap of faith I would of missed out on so much life. Life that has changed me at the core and allowed me to be me. 

Over the past ten years I have explored the world and have fallen in love with some pretty amazing people who have taught me how to live, love and embrace the trials of life with all of the joys. Through this time I learned what it feels like to be broken and completely lost, as well as, what it feels like to run through the streets full of joy! I also have learned what it means to give your life to Christ and to walk through life with faith like a child. I still struggle don't get me wrong... and that is a little bit of why I've decided to start blogging again. Our stories are not meant to hide away but to live and be shared. 

A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine reminded me the importance of be vulnerable. It's not an easy topic but one which I am learning needs to be more apart of my life. So over the upcoming weeks and months I plan on sharing my hopes and dreams with you, along with the trials which come along the way. Yes, there may be days I will want to run and hide but I pray that the Lord uses this leap of faith to bring a greater joy than I can imagine. Plus I pray it encourages you to take that step of faith and to share in this journey with me. May we together trust in the Lord to protect our hearts and to come to a deeper understanding of who we are. 

Middle Ground...

Living life in the middle ground can make you feel so torn... reaching for more but being pulled back by fear. Learning to be real but also being pulled back by insecurities. I know life isn't support to be easy but learning to trust fully... to let go of everything but Christ is the hardest. Trusting... Leaning... And Believe that all this is all possible in and through the one who gives life.  So Lord guide my heart.. my life... and my path. Be the protector of my heart and let me truly pour my heart out to those you desire.